I’ve just been seized with the desire to update my blog for the first time in months, and I thought I’d better take advantage of it before the moment passes!
Life has changed tremendously for Dayne and myself. After months of fertility testing for a conclusive diagnosis of what was wrong with me (everything with hubby is fine), we finally said “see ya later” to the fertility doctor and decided to try to get pregnant naturally. We were trying to trust the Lord (key word: “trying”) that if He wanted us to have children, we would one day… and if He didn’t, we wouldn’t. This wasn’t as easy for me to accept as it was to tell myself. Our plan was to go back to the fertility doctor in 3 months if nothing happened.
Our biggest hope, though, was to get pregnant without the doctor’s help. We didn’t feel this was necessarily an obtainable goal, given the evidence that I don’t usually ovulate on my own. After all the diagnostic testing with the reproductive endocrinologist, I was diagnosed with “mild” PCOS: although my glucose, insulin, and male hormone levels were all normal, my body wasn’t naturally producing enough progesterone and estrogen for my cycle to complete.
Anyway, during that first month away from the doctor, I busied myself adjusting my lifestyle: I had gone to a PCOS nutritionist who advised me to eat as many whole, natural, organic foods as I could, avoid as much sugar as I could, and switch to full-fat dairy (including Greek yogurt for added protein). I was dutifully shopping at Wegman’s and actually using an app called Shopwell (www.shopwell.com) to decode food labels. Hubby & I also invested in an elliptical, which I figured was not only better for my joints than a treadmill, but would be safe and low-impact for me to continue while pregnant. I really disciplined myself to use that elliptical, which surprised both Dayne AND myself. I was determined to correct my PCOS naturally as much as I could.
We were really trusting God during that time. I can’t say I wasn’t emotional about it and didn’t have a difficult time doing it, but I really wanted to give God the space to work since we’d been going to doctors and trusting them for almost a year.
To make a long story (and a lot of tears and a wasted pregnancy test) short, somehow I got pregnant during that first month. We were both in shock when we saw the pregnancy test with “Pregnant” clearly emblazoned on it the night we got home from Easter dinner.
I am now 17 weeks & 3 days along with a healthy baby growing in my belly. It truly is a miracle.
So that is The Big News! I am keeping two written pregnancy journals, and most of the details of my pregnancy and doctor’s appointments have gone in there, but maybe I will see this blog as a good place to record some of those things as well. I have just struggled with updating because most of what we went through was so private (and then the pregnancy was sort of a secret for the first trimester).
I do, however, think it’s good to share our story and what I was feeling with other couples who may be facing similar obstacles. I am beyond thankful that we got pregnant when we did and we didn’t have to go through more complicated procedures and lots of time waiting – but I did go through many of the same emotional struggles we would have gone through had we been trying to get pregnant the entire year. I’ve also tried to really digest what it means to fully lean on the Lord, no matter the outcome. It’s hard to watch couples who love God and would be great parents struggle to get pregnant, and it’s hard to understand why. It’s hard to watch a mother go through a miscarriage. It’s even harder to trust that, in the midst of these heartbreaking circumstances, God has a plan that is bigger than we can sometimes understand. I really had to trust that if we couldn’t have children, that God had a reason that I couldn’t see, even though I desperately wanted to become a mother and I saw that as my life’s purpose. I would have struggled for a long time (possibly the rest of my life) getting along with God if He had denied me the motherhood I really, really wanted. I don’t know how I would have dealt with it, but I was prepared to go through it.
I also want to mention that I am keenly (perhaps too keenly) aware that something could go wrong, that I could miscarry this baby. I know women who have had stillbirths. Even beyond delivery, I know that something could happen to our child any year of his or her life. This is what really puts my trust to the test… and reminds me that I am not God, and will never be God. I cannot protect my baby from everything, and even a mother does not love her child perfectly. God loves perfectly and deserves our full dependence… we are stewards of His child, really. And that gives me peace.
To everyone praying for a baby or a child, my heart aches for you. I pray the best for you and your family, and I pray that God would be close to you.