life of faith

taking baby steps & leaps & everything in between


Letting Go without Feeling Defeated.

There have been so many times in my life when I’ve had to let go of something, and I chose to latch onto anger or cynicism in its place.

Failed relationships, failed friendships, failed plans in life (professional, educational, personal)… fail, fail, fail.

I don’t have an easy time of letting go of something that seems good to me. Especially if it looks pretty good to everybody else. I want to keep up a facade of being at least 95% competent (intelligent & in control) and good (having good intentions, growing positively, and being a loving, compassionate person).

So when something ends or changes and I have to let go of it, I tend to push as many negative opinions and feelings as possible onto the other person or thing. I can’t deal with the fact that maybe it just didn’t work out, and it wasn’t supposed to work out, and it’s in my best interest for it not to work out — instead, I feel like a fool (and am afraid of looking like a fool) for believing it could work out in the first place, or for not heeding the obvious signs.

What made me think of this personality flaw on a random Monday morning?

I don’t think we’re getting our house.

I’ve been slowly letting go of all my plans and dreams for that house and that neighborhood — day by day, I’ve become less and less upset with the possibility of it not working out. I’ve distanced myself more and more emotionally.

However, there’s the tendency to do what I always do: instead of just letting it go as something that God probably didn’t have for us right now, I want to find a way to manage my disappointment. I begin to think about the idea of not looking at houses anymore for a while. I want time to be legitimately frustrated (or to save face).

How come I can’t let go without feeling defeated? Why can’t I see something not working out as impersonal? Could I begin to accept that maybe others aren’t as critical of me as I am of myself?

Do any of you struggle with this?

Perhaps this event will give me the chance to work through a failed plan in a healthy way, now that I recognize this in myself…

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” – Proverbs 19:20-21