I’ve realized that one of my biggest struggles since starting full-time work is looking outside myself and maintaining my relationships. At work, everything is me, me, me – what needs to get done, what deadlines do I have to meet, who do I have to greet, who do I need to transfer this call to, am I answering the phone fast enough, am I doing everything right, when do I get to eat, etc. — and I’m very isolated up at the front desk compared to most of my co-workers. Almost 100% of my job is independent work.
When I come home from work on the weekdays, literally all I want to do is eat a good meal and relax exactly the way I feel like relaxing. This could mean watching sitcoms, taking a short nap, catching up on emails and facebook, having a glass of wine, and/or immersing myself in Pinterest.
I hardly read anybody’s blogs anymore. I certainly don’t read anybody’s books anymore (just realized today I’m not in the middle of reading a book – a terrible tragedy that I’ve hardly ever experienced in the past). I try very hard not to make phone calls. It’s painful to write emails. The last thing I want to do is cook or clean dishes. I even hope most times that Dayne won’t be home right when I get home, but will come home when it’s convenient for me. Not too early and not too late.
I have become an utterly selfish, disgusting human being.
I’ve seen myself slipping into this, and my main excuse has been that I’m just so tired… which is TRUE, but this is the life I’ve got and the wonderful job I’ve got and I have to make a conscious effort to live life in the midst of it. And God’s greatest commandment to us is this:
I want to be present to my husband, my neighbors, my co-workers, my family, my friends, and – most importantly – to Jesus. How can I obey Jesus if all I think about is what would make me feel better in any given moment?
It’s time to stretch myself a bit and not make work an excuse. It may be a valid one, but a lazy, selfish life (even if it’s just Monday-Friday) is not the life any of us were called to live.
The tiniest sacrifices, such as making plans with friends on a weeknight instead of staying in and vegging on the couch until my eyes burn and it’s time for bed, are steps in the right direction.
I have to make time for people. Even when they’re not so nice, or they’re impatient, or they have nothing to offer me, or they’re yelling at me about their kids’ grades.
“When [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd… So he began teaching them many things.” – Matthew 9:36, Mark 6:34 (emphasis mine)
“Meanwhile, [Jesus’] disciples urged him, ‘Rabbi, eat something.’ But he said to them, ‘I have food to eat that you know nothing about.’ Then his disciples said to each other, ‘Could someone have brought him food?’ ‘My food,’ said Jesus, ‘is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work.'” – John 4:31-34 (emphasis mine)