My next blog entry was supposed to have been posted a long time ago, but I’m going to be real: I’ve been struggling a lot with blogging. I have all the awkward false starts and notes to prove it: 3 half-written wordpress “drafts”, random cryptic notes on my Blackberry about song lyrics and noteworthy events that happen, and thoughts rattling around in my head about what God’s doing with the world and in my life.
It’s not that things haven’t been happening, or I haven’t felt inspired, or I don’t want to blog – it’s just that I’m having trouble figuring out who I am and what I’m doing. All the blog entries I start writing end up not feeling or sounding like me, and once I let a moment of inspiration pass, it seems gone for good.
I am learning a whole heck of a lot — it feels like everyday is different, and that’s good and bad. Good in the sense of I’m learning and growing and adapting everyday, but bad when I struggle with just wanting to be comfortable and cozy and self-focused.
Things that have changed in the past three months: I moved; quit my job; got married; gained in-laws; went on a honeymoon; Dayne & I had to start communicating about and figuring out sex; Dayne moved in; my best friend (Erica), who is also one of my closest family members, moved to Cameroon to teach; I started a new job which is really a brand new profession and a whole different set of hours; my brother moved to college; I became a family cook, meal planner, and housekeeper; Dayne and I joined all of our accounts and started financial planning and looking for a house; we started looking for a church; and we started filling and decorating our apartment.
I have gone through some deep depression as well as some overwhelming gratefulness for where I am and who surrounds me in life right now. That’s the thing with all the changes: some of them I truly wrestle with, and some of them I learn to settle on. And others I am still figuring out, and I’m not sure which side of it I’ll come out on. I think that’s why I’m hesitant to write a blog — because one day I’ll be feeling really good about marriage and my job and my husband and sex and God and myself and my friends and family, and then the next day, or maybe even later that night, everything will reverse.
Soooo, all of this makes me look pretty unstable, right? 🙂
I went out to breakfast with Dayne’s mom a couple of weeks ago and we were talking about marriage, and I basically described how it felt right then as a roller-coaster – sometimes it’s so awesome and fun, and other times it’s so gritty & awful. The gritty & awful times are when you are confronted with your (and sometimes your spouse’s, at the same time) bare-bones humanity, how you really tick deep down in your core, which is almost never pretty. Marriage pulls out your selfishness 24/7. Actually, that’s a great definition of marriage: a day-by-day weeding out of every ounce of selfishness. It is not for the faint-hearted or those who think they are super-awesome-great and don’t need to change anything!
But: everything gets better and deeper and stronger everyday. Even when it all feels absolutely crappy and overwhelming and hard. God is working some kind of plan out in our lives, in our marriage, in the people around us, and in the world. And I can see glimpses of it along the way that feed me peace, satisfaction, and purpose.
I don’t know what tomorrow or next week will bring. I’m still trying to figure out today, and tonight, and last week, and why girls get their periods.
But I’m going to try to keep blogging when I get these moments of clarity — even if they’re rare. And as I get used to marriage, and living with a man, and searching for a home and a church, and figuring out relationships around me, and cooking substitutions, I’m hoping that time and experience further smooths the highs and lows to a stable everyday hum. And that I can learn to whistle and sing and talk and write and skip and jump and worship and dance and blog through and in the midst of and with and above that hum.